one month later, i'm still 183. seriously, what the fuck?
"don't give up, don't give in"
"our time will come"
umm....
its just kind of ridiculous. i've made zero progress since i've come back to school
and i know my mom is expecting something when i return, so i have two months to get back on track
when i came back to school first semester, i was able to lose twenty pounds in two and a half months
i have that same amount of time left until the beginning of summer
so i wonder if i can do it
better be able to, dammit!

b: oatmeal & peanut butter (actually pretty good...) 130+25=155
l: 2 string cheese, 1 cup pasta alfredo, wheat thins, muffin&peanut butter 160+360+160+110+25=815!!!!!
d: 100 calorie pack, cottage cheese, 1/2 tomato 100+150=250
s: apple cinnamon muffin!!!, 2 bags popcorn!!! 250+140+140=530

total!!!!: 1750

god damn it. thats close to maintinance weight! horrible stuff today. just simply horrible. breakfast was good, don't get me wrong, and so was dinner. but i didn't realize how bad lunch was until just now, because i was more focusing on the fact that i binged my way through all that junky snacky food. plus i'm going to work in two hours, and i'm going to be staring straight at a vending machine the entire time.

why can't i just do this right for once?

did go to the dome today and walked for a mile with jessie. thats one good thing at least.

omg i'm sooooooo sick of being flabby. is it sad that when i tense up my lower tricep muscle that my arm reduces AN INCH in size? that means its an inch of flabby flabby fat that just sits there the rest of the time. i mean, despite the fact that even after i flex it, its still disgustingly flabby. argh.



this is a lols moment. because despite how disgustingly cracked out my arm looks from the top perspective, it's sooooo ridiculously flabby underneath. 14inchsss. yeah.

i'm going to start exercising though. FINALLY. my friend jessie and i are going to the dome to do some walking around the track. really, thats all the exercise that i'd want to do, but i feel like i should add in some lifting or something. then i'd stop being so flabby! imagine that! the problem is, i have these second-degree burns on my arm from about a year ago that itch like a motherfucker whenever blood pumps quickly , as in through muscle strain. so its not painful, just really discomforting. i hate it.

i was at a party on saturday night, and there was this girl there... maybe 6'1. and she was sooo tiny!!! it left a definite impression on me. i felt like a chunker next to her. so thats something to look at for inspiration.

ah well. 55lbs to go. i've lost 67lbs already. so i'm past the halfway point at least. that's good, right?
one day i will be... interesting

Height: 5'10
HW: 250
LW: 179.8 (alcohol dehydration lols)
CW: 183
GW1: 168
GW2: 148
GW3: 128

because when i wake up the next morning i can be 3-5 lbs lighter.
its the next two days that are killer. because all i can think about is how light i was, even though it was a fake weight. but still...

so i lost two pounds this break. just two.
my dad (tried to) put it in perspective.
"most people gain during the holidays. you didn't, and you even lost some!"
but clearly not enough.

sadly, i let things get out of control again.
pretty sure i've gain at least half of the weight i lost this break.
its the bad before the good, i suppose.
but i need to commit myself. i did super extremely well after new years because i was under the mind frame of "new year, new lifestyle"
well, how about right i go "new lifestyle. period. end of sentence."
yeah. i think i'll do that. end of sentence.
i'm not going to tell myself to put it off until i go back to school on sunday. right now is the time to change. for good.

and ironically, i'm listening to a band called day one.
because it is day right now of all time to pass for the rest of my life.
lols

all i care about right now is minimalism. i want to go on a 5 day popcorn diet (3x140=420). and i want lemon water.

it is what i should do slash need to do. but will i? i don't know.

i have all this food sitting around. made a survey last night. im guessing my mom thinks i'm irrational now. i might think so too, after i watched myself dump the carrots out onto a paper towel and sort them into groups of nine (9 big baby carrots = 35) so i know how many groups i had.

see, it was for a practical reason. i'm going back to school on sunday. and i don't want the food to go to waste. but i don't want to eat it either. so i was going to make up a specific mealplan for the next seven days. but then i binged today BAD. to the point where i was like "fuck it" and went to the store and bought all my usual shitty foods and at most of it. we're probably talking 4000+ calories today. yarg.

anyway, this was my survey.... and sadly, i'm writing this all from memory

17 clementines [23 cals each... but i always round up to 25]
12 packets of oatmeal (apples n' cinnamon type) [130 cals each]
6 vanilla coke zeros [0]
6 groups of carrots [35 cals each]
8 trix yogurts [110 cals each]
11 act II old fashion natural popcorns [150 cals for a whole big bag. this stuff is brilliant!]
8 low sugar jellos [10 cals each] flavors: mixed berry, strawberry banana
8 english muffins lite, wholegrain [100 cals each]

so i was supposed to exist off of that for the next week. but i kind of just want to say fuck it and throw all the parishable stuff away and save the oatmeal for when i go back to school. exactly how long can one exist off of popcorn and diet soda? i might just find out.

oh, plus i'm going to my grandmas house on wednesday, and she has a scale. and i kind of want to weigh myself, but after this weekend of shitty eating and especially after today, i think i'd rather get run over by a slow-moving bus. twice.

yes yes yes. i knew i was making some progress! on dec 25 i was at my dads house and weighed myself. then i was there again yesterday (jan 05) and got on the scale... ten pounds lighter! success!

but then that very same day, after seeing myself at my lightest weight in probably years, went out and ate at famous daves (bbq resturant) with my poppy. yucky stuff. today i was only down 7. so i ran up and down my stairs twenty five times (i can't exercise that much really, medical condition called i'm fucking lazy and hella out of shape and i really need to quit smoking) and i'm going to try some other light stuff when i go to my room in half an hour.

i'm making progress though. and i'm hoping for another 10lbs by the end of this month, for my birthday and everything. that'll be a great day if that can happen! healthy for once in my life. imagine that!

i reallly really regret leaving my scale in sodak (south dakota... lols). to the point where i was trying to convince my brother to drive me to my grandmas house to "visit her" aka, i was going to talk for like ten minutes then ask to use the bathroom///sneak a look on her scale. but he wouldn't go for it. bastard.

we did go shopping though. and i bought $222 worth of clothes i can't even wear because i'm psychotic and bought everything 1-2 sizes too small. if that's not inspiration, i don't know what is. otherwise, all i have is one sweatshirt i've worn every single day since i came home (washed it of course... but it gets old, you know?). so there you go. if i lose 20lbs i'll have all these clothes to wear! something to look forward to, besides the fact that i'll be 20lbs lighter.

oh, and i realized i pretty much hate my brother! without much effort, he's 6'3, 150lbs, BMI 18.75.. what an asshat! lols, i really don't hate him, just wish the skinny gene went to both kids.

okay, i hate new years resolutions like no other, especially ones having to do with dieting/weightloss. if you weren't willing to commit to bettering yourself after seeing yourself in a mirror, what the fuck does that changing of a calender have to do with anything? but i guess i'm being suckered into it this year, because it happens to coincide with the start of the new schooling semester and whatnot. and using calorie count, i happened to come up with this plan. today, on the motherfucking 31st of december 2007....

///////////////

Breakfast [215]
   1 packet Quaker Instant Oatmeal, Apples and Cinnamon, Prepared with Water [130]
   1 cup milk, nonfat, fluid [85]
   1 one-a-day multivitamin [0]

Lunch [310]
   1 Thomas English Muffin, Light, Multi-Grain [100]
   1/2 tbsp skippy creamy peanut butter [48]
   1 orange, medium [87]
   1/2 bag ACT II Old Fashion Natural Popcorn [75]

Dinner [200]
   1 Yoplait Light Yogurt, Fat Free [100]
   1 Veggie Salad Bar Fun Mix AND NO DRESSING [100ish]

Snack [75]
   1/2 bag ACT II Old Fashion Natural Popcorn [75]

Calories - 800
Grams - 928
Fat - 18
Carbs - 133
Protein - 25
Grade - A
                             
Fat - 18.5% (18 grams)
Protein - 15.3% (33 grams)
Carbohydrates - 66.3% (145 grams)
Alcohol - 0.0%
Other - 0.0%

Daily Sodium Intake - 889 mg
Daily Cholesterol Intake - 15 mg
Daily Fiber Intake - 25 grams

and using fitday to analyze my vitamin intakes...

 Fat-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient      Units            Intake      RDA      % RDA
Vitamin A     mcg_RE    3891.6     800     486.45
Vitamin D     mcg           12.91       5          258.24
Vitamin E     mg_ATE    47.88       8          598.5
Vitamin K     mcg            77.47      60        129.11

 Trace Minerals
Nutrient     Units     Intake     RDA     % RDA
Iron             mg         25.81     15     172.1
Zinc            mg         18.68     12     155.65
Selenium  mcg       24.75     55     45
Copper      mg         0.552     ---     ---

 Water-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient       Units     Intake     RDA     % RDA
Vitamin C     mg        230.47   60     384.12
Thiamin        mg       3.17        1.1     287.76
Riboflavin     mg       3.4        1.1     309.47
Vitamin B-6  mg       2.71        1.3     208.41
Vitamin B-12mcg     7.07        2.4     294.54
Niacin           mg       20.66      14     147.6
Folate           mcg     685.58   400     171.4

 Major Minerals
Nutrient         Units     Intake     RDA     % RDA
Calcium        mg       1131        1000      113.1
Phosphorus mg       1148.6     700       164.08
Magnesium  mg       240.02     310       77.43
Sodium         mg        803.86       ---          ---
Potassium    mg       1812.6       ---          ---

///////////////

i'm one of those bastards who can eat the same thing every single day for weeks on end. it never really becomes boring or anything lols. it just is what it is. and yeah 800 is such an awesome number. it has no significance whatsoever. but that is what i'm sticking with! i think other than for calories, protein, selenium, and magnesium, health-wise, i'm okay with this. i don't need bones or muscle mass.

and hopefully with this dietary plan i will be perfect for my own self worth, but more importantly, for kyle, whom i am now obsessing over. because i can never not be a stalker.

good luck self.  i'm going to bed now.
fuck new years.

i love/loath popcorn. it can either be good and fill me up (like the popcorn diet i went on over thanksgiving) or it can be horrible and trigger excessive binging. erg. all i've had today is popcorn during work this afternoon. okay, that's a lie. popcorn and a diet vanilla coke. i feel like i need to eat more. not really because i'm hungry, but because i'm used to eating at night. 

in other, partially related news, i hooked up with my kinda-friend "jersey" last friday. gah! okay whatever, its just sex and whatnot, but i'm afraid about my standards, and how horribly low they are. seriously. looking back, all i can see is this huge wall of shame. eight out of nine are on that wall. godddd. i need to get myself together. clean this act up before we go start to go down shady street. located next to addiction avenue. and unwise choice lane. metaphors. ouch.

oh, and i'm home for break. no longer in south dakota. rocking out in illinois. three weeks of forced sobriety. no booze, no cigarettes. abstinence rules. i'm going to go insane. luckily, i did not bring my scale home with me. that's one less thing to be concerned with. actually, i'm playing a game with myself. i wrote down how much i weighed the day before i left (like i couldn't remember lols) and my goal now is to get as far away from that number as possible. crimbo might have killed my ambitions, but hey, i still have three more weeks to get rid of this yuckiness.

look that stuff up and then tell me you want to drink your tropicana oj and such.
i fucking despise the shifty FDA. just call it what it god damn is.
ps: i also hate eating (still)

on a better note, i haven't had sex in two weeks. celibacy is the new gayasian.

no more eating. 
i've gained five pounds in the last two weeks. 
because i've fucked over my metabolism.
nasty. i feel like supplementing my pain and sadness with a lot of alcohol tonight.
cross my fat fingers that stuff is going on.

at least i'm not being a slut tonight. i resisted the call from nick.
i can't put anything else in my mouth tonight.
...especially not when semen has about five calories to it!!!

(sarcasm, yo)

today is wednesday and the dorms will be shutting down soon
but i'm not leaving. i'm staying here by myself all weekend.
with limited food reserves.

then again, a little bit of starvation never hurt anyone 
espcially since i've decided that i want to lose weight
before i see Will again
(never going to happen)

but anyway...